


The ways we say I love you

by Kyriadamorte



Series: Wank Inspired Wank [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Asexual Character, F/M, Post-Sequel Trilogy, ace!kylo, not all happy endings look the same, some internalized allosexism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 09:40:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17557952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyriadamorte/pseuds/Kyriadamorte
Summary: It's not that he doesn't love her; he does - more than his own life, more than power, more than the lies Snoke had wrapped him in for decades.  And it's not that he doesn't want her - he does…after a fashion.  But not in the ways he's supposed to.  Not in the ways she'll eventually want.He's not that. And he can't be that for her.





	The ways we say I love you

**Author's Note:**

> All my love to all of the ace!spectrum Reylos. You guys are awesome and your headcanons are just as valid as everyone else's. 
> 
> Thank you to both my sister and Smols who were incredibly helpful and patient as they offered their perspectives, which was absolutely crucial coming from a (most likely? probably?) allosexual POV. Any fuck-ups that remain are my own, not theirs. While it's impossible for one story encapsulate every asexual experience, I hope it speaks to at least some of you.  
>  
> 
> Additional (possibly) trigger warnings: There's a small mention of having children, but they don't. Let me know if you want details.

At first, Ben worries that he won't be enough - not an unfamiliar sensation, to be sure.He was never the son his parents wanted, no matter how much they told him otherwise.And his failure as Luke's student was scorched into the landscape, carved into the very fabric of the galaxy. Snoke, of course, had never tired of reminding him of his many inadequacies.

 

He doesn't know if he could bear it with Rey. Not again. Not after everything.

 

In the days when the dust is still settling and they're first starting to build a life together, it's nearly unbearable.He knows how this story is supposed to end.They're supposed to get married and have half a dozen children and make passionate love every night.

 

The getting married part sounds nice, although they're already bound to each other by the very Force itself, so it does seem slightly superfluous. The children part sounds terrifying and, for all that her eyes go soft around Finn and Rose's daughter, Paige, Rey seems to agree with him. As for the last bit….

 

It's not that he doesn't love her; he does - more than his own life, more than power, more than the lies Snoke had wrapped him in for decades.And it's not that he doesn't want her - he does…after a fashion.But not in the ways he's supposed to.Not in the ways she'll eventually want.

 

He's not that. And he can't be that for her.He's spent his whole life lying about himself in one way or another; he can't go back to that.He won't.

 

He manages to hold it in for a few weeks before breaking.It's messy and there are tears and everything's far more dramatic than it probably had to be, in retrospect.She holds him as he rambles into her neck, hating himself, even as she strokes his hair and tells him it's alright, really, Ben _it's okay._ It's enough; it's more than enough.

 

He tries to believe her, but he doesn't, not really.Later, though, they go to bed and she kisses him and it's just as before, just the same.When she pulls away and smiles at him, there's nothing new…except this time there's no moment of panic, no wondering if she'll ask him for things he doesn't want to give.Because he trusts her.He does.

 

Each night he remembers it a little more and begins to sleep a little easier.

 

~

 

There's a shopkeeper in town who sells Corellian toffees.Ben likes them well enough, despite the bittersweet memories that accompany them. 

 

( _"Here; I brought you a present, kid.")_

 

Rey adores them.Not chocolate, like he had initially suspected; apparently that's too rich for a palette raised on rations.No, it's these cheap little toffees that she refuses to buy because they're nearly all sugar and "It's a waste of money, Ben." He notices that she doesn't object quite so much when he brings them back for her. It's worth the dark looks the man gives Ben without fail every time he steps through the door.It's even worth the up-charge he's no doubt paying.

 

Because she smiles and kisses him and each kiss tastes of toffee and bliss.

 

These are the ways he says he loves her.

 

~

 

After sparring, sometimes she'll stumble into their bed, stripping off her clothes before collapsing onto her stomach in a beautiful, sweaty heap.She's not shy about her nudity now any more than he had been about his own all those years ago.She doesn't assume he will be, either, and for that he's grateful. That first time, she shoots a single glance in his direction, searching his face and his mind for discomfort, but other than that it doesn't sit between them. 

 

Now, she'll just smile up at him and shimmy her shoulders and he'll laugh, pretending to be put upon.He'll rub out the knots and grin at the noises she makes beneath his hands.Sometimes he'll map the freckles on her back - first with his fingers then with his lips.He knows them all by heart now.

 

Often, he'll let her return the favor.He'll lie beneath her on his stomach - naked and vulnerable and content as her fingers work him into a pleasant putty. 

 

These are the ways he says he loves her.

 

~

 

The first time he walks in on her touching herself, he's afraid it's going to be what breaks them.Not because he minds, but because he thinks she thinks he minds.And because what if she's been faking it this whole time? What if she really does need sex from him and this hasn't been enough and he's not enough and what if she gets frustrated and leaves and-

 

"Stay?" It's a question. Her voice is small and scared and he's not quite sure what she's asking.She wouldn't…not after he's already…would she?

 

She seems to sense his confusion and concern (of course she does; she always does)."Just stay.If you want to, that is. You can leave, if you want….or…or you can stay.If you want."

 

Rey stumbles over her words and blushes, but it's not her fingers between her legs that has her embarrassed and Ben would laugh if he could still remember how to breathe.He mulls it over, takes a while, a long while to consider.She doesn't push, doesn't say anything, just looks up at him.

 

He eventually slides into bed next to her.He's not quite sure what she wants - she doesn't say - but she seems to have the situation pretty well in-hand.She doesn't school her expressions and she looks up at him and it's there, it's all there and she's letting him see her like this.

 

Orgasms don't hold that much sway over him, but he's found that he's rather fond of hers.

 

Sometimes, he just sits next to her and watches, smiling down on her as she looks up at him, gasping, saying his name like a prayer….just _letting_ him watch as she comes apart.

 

Sometimes, he'll hold her.He has mixed feelings about his imposing and occasionally awkward size, but he can't deny it's rather handy in situations like this.She'll nestle between his legs and lean against his chest and, when she arches her back, her head fits right into the crook of his neck.He'll draw soothing circles on her arms and whisper how much he loves her.He'll hold her tight though her peak even as she thrashes against him. He'll kiss her and rock her in the aftermath.

 

Sometimes, he'll even take a more active role.He'll run his fingers along her collarbones and marvel as her skin bursts into a sea of goosebumps.He'll cup her chest and run his thumbs across her nipples and grin like an idiot when she sucks in her breath in a sharp almost-gasp.

 

Sometimes it will even end with his fingers inside her.She'd raised an eyebrow the first time, but had hardly objected. He's found sometime he likes to feel her squeeze him, feel her wrapped around him even as he's wrapped around her.Her heartbeat pulses against him and she's so alive, so open, and only he gets to see this.

 

These are the ways he says he loves her.

 

~

 

Sometimes he doesn't want to, though, doesn't want any of it.Sometimes he needs space and the thought of even skin against skin is just a bit too much.He'll kiss her forehead and leave and wander the woods around their small house while Rey takes care of herself.

 

And that's okay too.She smiles and tells him as much and she's not lying; it really is alright.

 

These are the ways she says she loves him.

**Author's Note:**

> Ace Spectrum Reylos, this is the way I say I love you. I hope it was alright. <3


End file.
